'Reviving Ophelia' Movie Hits Close To Home

I just finished watching the Lifetime movie, Reviving Ophelia, inspired by Mary Pipher's book of the same name. Great movie. Made me cry like a baby. But great movie. 

It's not like I haven't been thinking about relationship violence lately. I've spent every moment possible writing and researching for this website. I've dug up stories, dug up poems I wrote when I was sixteen, I've looked at pictures, I've read other people stories, I've read statistics, over and over. Not once have I shed a tear. I'm a survivor, after all, not a victim anymore. I am strong and I am above everything that happened to me, and I am beyond an emotional response to violence. And then, as life has a funny way of working, I was (metaphorically) knocked flat on my back as I saw myself, my own lifeless eyes, in Elizabeth's face (the main character who get caught in an abusive relationship).

Reviving Ophelia. mylifetime.com

Whatever percentage of my reaction that was a testament to strong acting is complimented and compounded with the realization that, not too long ago, this was my life. It was not a movie. It was real. I still believe that no one will ever understand what I went through or how bad it was, but this understanding helps me to realize that as much as I would like to say that I know what each victim is going through, I don't. One of the most damaging parts of abuse comes in the moments when we are alone with our thoughts. Some of the worst words said are inside our own head, as we try to rationalize something that has no founding in sanity. Just as no one will ever know quite how bad things got for me, I have no way of knowing exactly what it is like for anyone else, but I do know that our similarities far outnumber our differences. If we all think that we are all alone, then it turns out we're together in that. 

Watching this movie also acted as a loud reminder of why it is that I am starting this website. I am so happy to see more websites and resources growing awareness for the topic of relationship violence. This wasn't always the case. I spent hours, when I was in high school, trying to find some sort of answer, some sort of help. I googled "help me, please" about a hundred times. I sat on the floor of a Border's for hours on end, flipping through books and trying to find myself in them so that I could read a way out of the hopelessness. And I put on an Academy Award worthy performance in front of the world. I was perfectly fine. My life was perfectly perfect. Perfectly. Perfect. 

How Do I Get Out??

I can't break up with him. If I did, he would kill himself, or me, or both of us.....If I tell people what is really going on, they will think I am weak for letting this happen to me..... I'm so stuck. Things are never going to be ok again!..... I have to see him every day at school. As bad as things are, if I stop talking to him, he will go crazy, and then things will just get even worse...... I don't know what to do! How do I get my life back?

These are all things I thought when I was in high school. I felt isolated and alone, and I thought that my life, as I had always known it, was over. As hard as it is to acknowledge the fact that you are in an abusive relationship and make a decision to get out, getting away from your abuser and getting your life back is even harder.

Impossible to Leave

When I think back to the seventeen year old girl I was, lying on the floor of my closet and wondering what I was supposed to do now, the only thought that comes to my mind is that getting out of that situation was impossible. I was helpless. Not for lack of trying, but no matter how hard I tried I was still stuck. No matter what I did, I felt like there was no way for me to change things or to get my life back.

Even now that I am safe. Now that I no longer have contact with my ex (let's call him, Dave). Now that I live on the other side of the world as him and he does not know my phone number or address and there is no chance I will run into him in my daily life. Even now that I am out of the situation, I still understand the panic I felt during the worst moments and looking back, I still wonder how I survived.

For those of you who find yourself in an abusive relationship, I want you to know that I understand how trapped you feel. Unfortunately, people will ask (as they have asked me over the years) why didn't you just tell him to fuck off and leave you alone? Why didn't you just stop talking to him? Why did you let yourself get stuck in something like this? What they don't understand if they have never been in a similar situation themselves is that 1. I've wondered the same thing for years and 2. the bottom line is that it's just not that easy.

A Game You Can't Win

Listen To Your Heart

2011 Teen Relationship Violence Awareness Month

One out of every three adolescent girls in the United States of America is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner. ONE OUT OF THREE!!! One out of three. 1 out of 3.

Take a minute to think about that.  How many girls do you know? Think about all of the women in your life. Your mother. Sister. Daughter. Girlfriend. Cousin. Grandmother. Aunt. Friend. Teacher. The woman who serves you breakfast at the dining hall. The girl that sits next to you in Spanish class. Your doctor. Your coach. Your teammate. Your niece. The woman on the cover of the magazine on your table. Your favorite singer. Your favorite writer. The girl sitting next to you on the bus. Your best friend. They were all, or will be (God willing,) a teenager at some point. One out of three.

If you are in high school, think about the girls you go to school with. In my high school class alone there were almost 1,000 students. About 60% of them were female: around 600 girls. If my graduating class was perfectly proportionate to the national statistic, that means that 200 girls in my grade alone would have been victim of domestic abuse before graduation. 

If I think really hard...I mean, stop and put down my computer and really think about it...I can think of two girls in my grade that probably fit into that statistic. TWO. One of the girls was a classmate of mine who was smart and popular, who started dating an older boy that was known as being a badass, and ended up dropping out of school a few months before graduation. Her name was Kelly. Everyone sat around at lunch talking about how she was crazy. The other.....was me. 

When I was in high school, caught in the cycle of abuse, I thought that I was the only one who had ever experienced the kind of trauma I was experiencing. I thought I was all alone. I woke up every morning afraid, and I went to bed afraid and I lived with the fear that I might not be alive to go to college. I held on for one more day. One more week. One more month. And I prayed for some kind of help. 

Looking back, I now realize that as isolated as I felt, I was not alone. I felt like what happened to me was something that happened to one girl out of a million. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I was one out of three. 

The percentage of adolescents who are victims of relationship violence far exceeds rates of any other type of youth violence. Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence among women of all ages, almost triple the national average. Every year, 1.5 MILLION high school students across the country experience physical abuse in a romantic relationship. The ramifications of violent relationships in adolescence put victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence. Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STD, and half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.*

And yet...us victims...we think that we're all alone. We don't talk about it because no one is talking about it. Not enough. No one told me that what was happening to me was wrong. No one believed me when I tried to tell them how bad it was. No one imagined that someone so seemingly happy, and strong, and successful, could be a victim. And so, I stopped trying to talk about it. I tried to handle it all on my own. On average, more than 66% of teens who are in an abusive relationship don't tell anyone else about the abuse. Over 80% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue.

Judicially, eight states currently do not include dating relationship in their definition of domestic violence, and as a result, youth victims of dating violence cannot apply for restraining orders. Only ONE state (New Hampshire) includes a law that specifically allows a minor of any age to apply for a protection order, and currently only one juvenile domestic violence court in the country focuses exclusively on teen dating violence.

So, next time you think that teenage relationship violence is not a problem in this country, or that it doesn't affect you: think again. If you still think that you don't know anyone who has been a victim, most likely you just don't know that they have been. Don't assume that teenage violence is not your problem. In the spirit of teenage relationship violence awareness month, help be a part of breaking the silence this February and join the cause. Check back throughout the month for articles about relationship violence, and check out this link for more information about the reality of teenage violence and what you can do to help. 

And if you are a victim, remember, no one deserves to be abused in any capacity. You deserve better and you are not alone. 

*Statistics from Break The Cycle. http://www.teendvmonth.org/node/18

Inside The Head of A Victim

Abusers can make you feel like you are the one that is crazy. They are manipulative and have the ability to somehow turn everything around and try to make it seem like it is your fault instead of theirs. You feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time because you're not sure what might set them off. They make you the problem. They can't take responsibility for their own actions so they shift the blame on to you.

As hard as it might be, keep remembering that you are not crazy. This is not your fault. And you deserve better. 

Warning Signs of Abusive Behavior

"Stupid people should have to wear a sign," comedian Bill Engvall jokes, "that way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? It would be like, 'Excuse me...oops...never mind, I didn't see your sign.' "

As funny as his routine is, it would be nice if Engvall's vision of life was real. How great would it be if people came with signs or warning labels? If abusers were forced to wear a flashing sign that said "I'm an abuser," and psychopaths came with the warning label, "Proceed with caution: I'm crazy," then we would know not to trust them and we wouldn't date them.

Unfortunately, identifying an abuser is not this easy. When I was a teenager and I was stuck in an abusive relationship, it took me a long time to realize that what my boyfriend was doing was wrong. I thought we had a perfect relationship; the abuse started so slowly and so subtly that I didn't know it was abuse until it was too late.

Abusers aren't dressed up in dark, scary clothing. They don't look like the villains we see in children's movies or books. Instead, they are often charming. They can be the life of the party; funny and popular. One of the scariest parts about abusers is how hard they can be to identify. As a teenager, it can be even harder to identify an abusive relationships because you are new to the world of dating .

There are several things you can keep an eye out for in relationships. The sooner you pick up on red flags the better your chances of getting out of an unhealthy relationship before it is too late.

• A history of being abusive in previous relationships. As sweet and nice as a person is, if they have a history of being abusive, they will likely repeat their abusive pattern. It is questionable whether or not abusers can change, even with intense psychotherapy. More often than not, even if an abuser goes through periods of time when they are not abusing you or someone else, they will do it again.
• Quick Involvement or a tendency to move quickly. Saying I love you right away, becoming serious after a short amount of time, pushing you to do things sexually before you are ready.
• Undpredictable mood swings or Explosive Anger. Does he get overly angry at minor things? Or switch from extremes of fawning over you to putting you down?
• Alcohol and drug use. Does your partner's personality change after they have been drinking? Does he/she have trouble stopping once they have started drinking?
• Cruelty toward animals or children. Big red flag. This is one of the biggest signs that someone is a psychopath.
• Belief in rigid sex roles. Things like ‘women should be seen and not heard.’ In teenagers, this is usually seen in gender slurs or sexist behavior, calling girls ‘bitches’ or ‘sluts’ or saying things like ‘boys will be boys.’
• Extreme jealousy or hypersensivity. Does the person get jealous of platonic friends, or any other person you spend time with? Does he/she exaggerate situations or make you feel guilty even when you have done nothing wrong.
• Controlling behavior. Does he/she always have to decide plans? Does he/she tell you what you can and cannot wear? Or who you are allowed to talk to?
• Attempts to isolate you from your friends of family. Abusers often try to turn you against friends or family, or make you feel guilty for spending time with other people. This makes you dependent on them.
• Use of force or aggression when in an argument or threats of violence. Hitting, pushing, slapping, kicking, biting….none of this is ok. If your partner hurts you, no matter how sorry he may be later, it is abuse and it is against the law. Threatening to do these things is also not ok.
• Blames others for problems or feelings, inability to take responsibility. Abusers try to make you think that everything is your fault. They “don’t want to hurt you,” or they “didn’t mean to hurt you,” but it is “never their fault.” They can make you feel like you are the crazy one. They often make you feel as if you did something to deserve the abuse.

**Information based on research collected by theSafeSpace.org and RAINN.

Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells when you are around your boyfriend or girlfriend? Are you afraid of his temper? Or the way he acts when he drinks? Or what he might do if you tried to break up with him? 
Abuse is not just a matter of someone having a bad day or getting into a bad mood sometimes. If your boyfriend or girlfriend forgets to call you one night, or doesn’t remember an anniversary, it can be disappointing, but these things happen even in healthy relationships. However, if your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you what to wear, controls who you talk to, or pressures you to do things that you don't want to do, then the relationship is no longer healthy.



In a healthy relationship, you:

• Have respect for each other and treat each other with respect
• Feel comfortable and safe
• Support each other
• Pay attention to each other
• Are interested in each other’s lives, families, work, etc.
• Resolve conflicts effectively
• Are not violent with each other
• Have an enjoyable time together
• Have a sense of privacy
• Trust each other
• Each decide what you are comfortable with sexually
• Can express your desires as well as things you are not comfortable with
• Have personal privacy of who you talk to, call, write to, etc.
• Make healthy decisions about drugs and alcohol
• Have, and encourage each other to have other friends
• Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
• Know that most people in your life (friends and family) are happy about the relationship
• Have more good times overall in the relationship than bad

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

• Attempts to manipulate or control the other person
• Makes the other person feel bad about her/himself
• Makes the other person afraid because of their temper
• Calls the the other person names or puts them down
• Is overly critical of the other’s friends or family
• Doesn’t make time for the other person
• Discourages other from being close to other people
• Pushes, grabs, hits, punches, throws objects, or threatens to do any of these things
• Ignores the other person when he/she is speaking
• Becomes overly possessive, controlling or gets jealous about normal behavior
• Criticizes or supports others who criticize your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
• Controls money or other resources (e.g., car, phone use, etc.)
• Controls how the other dresses, what they can and cannot wear
• Harms or threatens to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
• Makes use of physical force or threats to stop the other from leaving the relationship

This is a great chart I found at helpguide.org.  For more information, check out their webpage--lots of great information!

The first step to getting help is recognizing when you are in an abusive relationship. Try to put aside the feelings you have about your boyfriend or girlfriend and take an honest look at how you personally feel about yourself when you are with this person. Abusive relationships are not usually abusive every second. Usually, they follow a cycle of ups and downs, good times and bad, loving behavior and abuse. Even if things are good for a while, abusive relationships tend to follow this cycle until you break it by getting out of the relationship and away from the abuser. Remember, no one deserves to be abused (mentally, verbally, sexually, physically or emotionally) EVER. You deserve a loving and healthy relationship. You do not have to stay in an abusive relationship, no matter how stuck you feel. You have the power to get out. Use the help around you and don't give up!