2011 Teen Relationship Violence Awareness Month

One out of every three adolescent girls in the United States of America is a victim of physical, emotional or verbal abuse from a dating partner. ONE OUT OF THREE!!! One out of three. 1 out of 3.

Take a minute to think about that.  How many girls do you know? Think about all of the women in your life. Your mother. Sister. Daughter. Girlfriend. Cousin. Grandmother. Aunt. Friend. Teacher. The woman who serves you breakfast at the dining hall. The girl that sits next to you in Spanish class. Your doctor. Your coach. Your teammate. Your niece. The woman on the cover of the magazine on your table. Your favorite singer. Your favorite writer. The girl sitting next to you on the bus. Your best friend. They were all, or will be (God willing,) a teenager at some point. One out of three.

If you are in high school, think about the girls you go to school with. In my high school class alone there were almost 1,000 students. About 60% of them were female: around 600 girls. If my graduating class was perfectly proportionate to the national statistic, that means that 200 girls in my grade alone would have been victim of domestic abuse before graduation. 

If I think really hard...I mean, stop and put down my computer and really think about it...I can think of two girls in my grade that probably fit into that statistic. TWO. One of the girls was a classmate of mine who was smart and popular, who started dating an older boy that was known as being a badass, and ended up dropping out of school a few months before graduation. Her name was Kelly. Everyone sat around at lunch talking about how she was crazy. The other.....was me. 

When I was in high school, caught in the cycle of abuse, I thought that I was the only one who had ever experienced the kind of trauma I was experiencing. I thought I was all alone. I woke up every morning afraid, and I went to bed afraid and I lived with the fear that I might not be alive to go to college. I held on for one more day. One more week. One more month. And I prayed for some kind of help. 

Looking back, I now realize that as isolated as I felt, I was not alone. I felt like what happened to me was something that happened to one girl out of a million. Imagine my surprise when I found out that I was one out of three. 

The percentage of adolescents who are victims of relationship violence far exceeds rates of any other type of youth violence. Girls and young women between the ages of 16 and 24 experience the highest rate of intimate partner violence among women of all ages, almost triple the national average. Every year, 1.5 MILLION high school students across the country experience physical abuse in a romantic relationship. The ramifications of violent relationships in adolescence put victims at higher risk for substance abuse, eating disorders, risky sexual behavior and further domestic violence. Being physically or sexually abused makes teen girls six times more likely to become pregnant and twice as likely to get a STD, and half of youth who have been victims of both dating violence and rape attempt suicide, compared to 12.5% of non-abused girls and 5.4% of non-abused boys.*

And yet...us victims...we think that we're all alone. We don't talk about it because no one is talking about it. Not enough. No one told me that what was happening to me was wrong. No one believed me when I tried to tell them how bad it was. No one imagined that someone so seemingly happy, and strong, and successful, could be a victim. And so, I stopped trying to talk about it. I tried to handle it all on my own. On average, more than 66% of teens who are in an abusive relationship don't tell anyone else about the abuse. Over 80% of parents believe teen dating violence is not an issue or admit they don’t know if it’s an issue.

Judicially, eight states currently do not include dating relationship in their definition of domestic violence, and as a result, youth victims of dating violence cannot apply for restraining orders. Only ONE state (New Hampshire) includes a law that specifically allows a minor of any age to apply for a protection order, and currently only one juvenile domestic violence court in the country focuses exclusively on teen dating violence.

So, next time you think that teenage relationship violence is not a problem in this country, or that it doesn't affect you: think again. If you still think that you don't know anyone who has been a victim, most likely you just don't know that they have been. Don't assume that teenage violence is not your problem. In the spirit of teenage relationship violence awareness month, help be a part of breaking the silence this February and join the cause. Check back throughout the month for articles about relationship violence, and check out this link for more information about the reality of teenage violence and what you can do to help. 

And if you are a victim, remember, no one deserves to be abused in any capacity. You deserve better and you are not alone. 

*Statistics from Break The Cycle. http://www.teendvmonth.org/node/18

Inside The Head of A Victim

Abusers can make you feel like you are the one that is crazy. They are manipulative and have the ability to somehow turn everything around and try to make it seem like it is your fault instead of theirs. You feel like you are walking on eggshells all the time because you're not sure what might set them off. They make you the problem. They can't take responsibility for their own actions so they shift the blame on to you.

As hard as it might be, keep remembering that you are not crazy. This is not your fault. And you deserve better. 

Warning Signs of Abusive Behavior

"Stupid people should have to wear a sign," comedian Bill Engvall jokes, "that way you wouldn't rely on them, would you? It would be like, 'Excuse me...oops...never mind, I didn't see your sign.' "

As funny as his routine is, it would be nice if Engvall's vision of life was real. How great would it be if people came with signs or warning labels? If abusers were forced to wear a flashing sign that said "I'm an abuser," and psychopaths came with the warning label, "Proceed with caution: I'm crazy," then we would know not to trust them and we wouldn't date them.

Unfortunately, identifying an abuser is not this easy. When I was a teenager and I was stuck in an abusive relationship, it took me a long time to realize that what my boyfriend was doing was wrong. I thought we had a perfect relationship; the abuse started so slowly and so subtly that I didn't know it was abuse until it was too late.

Abusers aren't dressed up in dark, scary clothing. They don't look like the villains we see in children's movies or books. Instead, they are often charming. They can be the life of the party; funny and popular. One of the scariest parts about abusers is how hard they can be to identify. As a teenager, it can be even harder to identify an abusive relationships because you are new to the world of dating .

There are several things you can keep an eye out for in relationships. The sooner you pick up on red flags the better your chances of getting out of an unhealthy relationship before it is too late.

• A history of being abusive in previous relationships. As sweet and nice as a person is, if they have a history of being abusive, they will likely repeat their abusive pattern. It is questionable whether or not abusers can change, even with intense psychotherapy. More often than not, even if an abuser goes through periods of time when they are not abusing you or someone else, they will do it again.
• Quick Involvement or a tendency to move quickly. Saying I love you right away, becoming serious after a short amount of time, pushing you to do things sexually before you are ready.
• Undpredictable mood swings or Explosive Anger. Does he get overly angry at minor things? Or switch from extremes of fawning over you to putting you down?
• Alcohol and drug use. Does your partner's personality change after they have been drinking? Does he/she have trouble stopping once they have started drinking?
• Cruelty toward animals or children. Big red flag. This is one of the biggest signs that someone is a psychopath.
• Belief in rigid sex roles. Things like ‘women should be seen and not heard.’ In teenagers, this is usually seen in gender slurs or sexist behavior, calling girls ‘bitches’ or ‘sluts’ or saying things like ‘boys will be boys.’
• Extreme jealousy or hypersensivity. Does the person get jealous of platonic friends, or any other person you spend time with? Does he/she exaggerate situations or make you feel guilty even when you have done nothing wrong.
• Controlling behavior. Does he/she always have to decide plans? Does he/she tell you what you can and cannot wear? Or who you are allowed to talk to?
• Attempts to isolate you from your friends of family. Abusers often try to turn you against friends or family, or make you feel guilty for spending time with other people. This makes you dependent on them.
• Use of force or aggression when in an argument or threats of violence. Hitting, pushing, slapping, kicking, biting….none of this is ok. If your partner hurts you, no matter how sorry he may be later, it is abuse and it is against the law. Threatening to do these things is also not ok.
• Blames others for problems or feelings, inability to take responsibility. Abusers try to make you think that everything is your fault. They “don’t want to hurt you,” or they “didn’t mean to hurt you,” but it is “never their fault.” They can make you feel like you are the crazy one. They often make you feel as if you did something to deserve the abuse.

**Information based on research collected by theSafeSpace.org and RAINN.

Am I In An Abusive Relationship?

Do you feel like you are constantly walking on eggshells when you are around your boyfriend or girlfriend? Are you afraid of his temper? Or the way he acts when he drinks? Or what he might do if you tried to break up with him? 
Abuse is not just a matter of someone having a bad day or getting into a bad mood sometimes. If your boyfriend or girlfriend forgets to call you one night, or doesn’t remember an anniversary, it can be disappointing, but these things happen even in healthy relationships. However, if your boyfriend or girlfriend tells you what to wear, controls who you talk to, or pressures you to do things that you don't want to do, then the relationship is no longer healthy.



In a healthy relationship, you:

• Have respect for each other and treat each other with respect
• Feel comfortable and safe
• Support each other
• Pay attention to each other
• Are interested in each other’s lives, families, work, etc.
• Resolve conflicts effectively
• Are not violent with each other
• Have an enjoyable time together
• Have a sense of privacy
• Trust each other
• Each decide what you are comfortable with sexually
• Can express your desires as well as things you are not comfortable with
• Have personal privacy of who you talk to, call, write to, etc.
• Make healthy decisions about drugs and alcohol
• Have, and encourage each other to have other friends
• Are honest about your past and present sexual activity if the relationship is intimate
• Know that most people in your life (friends and family) are happy about the relationship
• Have more good times overall in the relationship than bad

In an unhealthy relationship, one or both of you:

• Attempts to manipulate or control the other person
• Makes the other person feel bad about her/himself
• Makes the other person afraid because of their temper
• Calls the the other person names or puts them down
• Is overly critical of the other’s friends or family
• Doesn’t make time for the other person
• Discourages other from being close to other people
• Pushes, grabs, hits, punches, throws objects, or threatens to do any of these things
• Ignores the other person when he/she is speaking
• Becomes overly possessive, controlling or gets jealous about normal behavior
• Criticizes or supports others who criticize your gender, race, ethnicity, sexual orientation, religion, disability, or other personal attribute
• Controls money or other resources (e.g., car, phone use, etc.)
• Controls how the other dresses, what they can and cannot wear
• Harms or threatens to harm children, family, pets, or objects of personal value
• Makes use of physical force or threats to stop the other from leaving the relationship

This is a great chart I found at helpguide.org.  For more information, check out their webpage--lots of great information!

The first step to getting help is recognizing when you are in an abusive relationship. Try to put aside the feelings you have about your boyfriend or girlfriend and take an honest look at how you personally feel about yourself when you are with this person. Abusive relationships are not usually abusive every second. Usually, they follow a cycle of ups and downs, good times and bad, loving behavior and abuse. Even if things are good for a while, abusive relationships tend to follow this cycle until you break it by getting out of the relationship and away from the abuser. Remember, no one deserves to be abused (mentally, verbally, sexually, physically or emotionally) EVER. You deserve a loving and healthy relationship. You do not have to stay in an abusive relationship, no matter how stuck you feel. You have the power to get out. Use the help around you and don't give up!

"Kiss Me, I'm Wasted"

When I was a kid I loved St. Patrick's Day. My mother would leave trails of money around the house and pretend the Leprechaun had come to visit us. As I got older, and realized this was a actually a strange tradition, I wondered why we had this holiday. Then, I went to Penn State, and I understood.

St. Patrick's Day is an excuse for people to get drunk. In State College, students line up outside of bars at 6am. They show up to class with coffee cups full of "Irish Coffee." Whether it is the over promotion of bars on College Avenue, or the chance to eat green eggs and ham and wash it down with a pint of green beer, I don't know; but I do know that, on the whole, Penn State students LOVE St. Patrick's Day.

So, in 2007, when St. Patty's Day fell during Spring Break, everyone was devastated. Then, someone simply invented another day, dubbing it State Patty's Day and solving everyone's problems. It's continued every year since because...well... it's another excuse for students to get wasted, and the only thing better than one St. Patty's Day is TWO.

Only problem is that State Patty's Day comes with alcohol related conduct violations. A lot of them. So many, in fact, that last year the event's founder publicly denounced the holiday he created. In 2009, “police saw students vomiting or urinating on sidewalks in broad daylight. Drunken driving arrests were up, and more than 20 people needed emergency medical services.” In 2010, local police received 365 calls, EMS received 53 calls (the majority of both were related to alcohol), and 160 people were arrested.

Despite occasional bars agreeing not to participate in the event, State Patty's Day is scheduled to go on. This year, it seems they've indirectly adopted the theme "Kiss Me, I'm Wasted," as a Facebook event, created by Penn State student, Rachel Yamin, and Bloomsburg University student, Bertt Kazatsky, advertising State Patty’s Day T-shirts with this slogan, is gaining popularity. Kazatsky apparently designed the shirts, playing on the common saying "Kiss Me, I'm Irish," and seeing as he is not a PSU student, reached out to his friend, Yamin, to help sell the shirts to her classmates. Over 2,000 shirts had already been sold by the time the Collegian spoke up.

I was happy to see Penn State's Daily Collegian take a formal stand against the shirts in their recent editorial. Only problem is that this article comes after another article that drew attention to the t-shirts; meaning that the Collegian, in a way, has actually helped to advertise for the shirts by giving information about where the t-shirts are being sold, what dates and providing a picture of the shirts. I am glad to see a response to this article raising concern for the message of the shirts, but I know that realistically, the Collegian has probably helped to raise T-shirt sales rather than stop them.

After talking to some fellow alumni and reading through comments in response to the articles, I am concerned with the number of people who find them funny and lighthearted. It seems that some people seem to think that the problem is that if girls wear the shirts, other people will take it as an invitation to make out with them.

As a former student at Penn State, I am not afraid of the t-shirts leading to an outbreak of unwanted kissing (although, trust me, there will be at least one person who tries to take advantage of these shirts--some drunk that will make a move on a girl just because of her shirt--I have seen stuff like this happen.)

The main problem is it that these shirts are another example of support of rape culture. The message, "Kiss Me, I'm Wasted," normalizing the idea of sexual acts paired with excessive drinking. I am against the message on the shirts because the more we see messages like this, the more normal it becomes, and I know first hand that there is a problem at Penn State--like many other universities-- of sexual assault after, and facilitated by, excessive drinking.

I am not knocking Penn State students. I was one of them myself. And I know that not every student at Penn State is peeing in the streets during the middle of the day, or falling down the stairs as they walk through their class in the auditorium. I was one of the students watching all this happen, which means that I can accurately report that 1) not everyone partakes in the ridiculousness and 2) extreme things like this really happen. (And 3) most people fall somewhere in between these two extremes--is it possible to have fun without acting like a fool.)

I also know that not every male at Penn State is looking to take advantage of females....but I do know, first hand, that this happens. I know, first hand, that there are boys at Penn State (and outside of Penn State) that get girls drunk so that they can hook up with them. I know, first hand, that sexual assault is a problem on Penn State's Campus and throughout State College. I know that, in some circles, getting a girl wasted so that you can have sex with her is not only accepted, it is a tactic. So as "funny and lighthearted" as the t-shirt may seem just goes to show how imbedded rape culture is in our society, and as an alumni of Penn State, you can rest assured that I will not be purchasing or supporting these t-shirts.

Wall of Shame- D&G

1. Start with a half naked girl.

2. Put her on the floor.

3. Add half naked man.

4. Put him on top of girl in seemingly sexual position, but place him in dominating role, forcibly holding her down by gripping her wrists.

5. Add three more men, looking curious but content, undressing in stages through the cycle as they stand watching.

I'm sorry, but...uh...what are they selling?

New Website!

Hi cyber world. Welcome to my new blog! I'm so glad you found me. I'll be importing some posts/articles from my other blog but check back for new articles and ramblings in the future. Stay tuned! :)