Types of Abusers: "The Water Torturer"

The Water Torturer Abuser:

• Proves that anger doesn't cause abuse, this type of abuser can assault his partner without ever even raising his voice.
• He tends to stay cool and collected during aruements as a weapon to push his partner over the edge.
• Uses tools like sarcasm, mockery, even resorting to laughing at her or what she says or making cruel, cutting remarks
• Relentless in his quiet derision and meanness

When dating a "Water Torturer," you tend to do one of two things: either you become frustrated to the point of furiousness, or you begin to feel completely stupid and inferior. You might end up doing things like screaming and yelling because you become so frustrated, storming out of the room, or sinking into silence, leading your partner to make it seem like you are the abusive or crazy one. He might say things to you like "You're the one screaming and yelling, I'm just talking calmly: you're the one that is abusive to me. You are impossible to talk to. I didn't even raise my voice, and look at you!"

This type of abuse can be incredibly damaging and can do serious harm to your personal mentality. You feel like you are going crazy or that you are enraged but have no idea really why. You have a hard time reaching out to other people because you don't even know how to explain what is going on. He seems to know exactly how to get under your skin, and he can even make other people take his side in believing that you are the crazy one and that he just somehow puts up with you.

•Leads other people to believe that they are nice and even tempered, and you are the one that is crazy, unpredictable and has a bad temper.

•Can be incredibly cruel, all the while maintaining a calm mentality. He plays up the idea that as long as he is calm, nothing he does or says can be seen as abusive.

•Knows exactly how to get under your skin.

•Leads you to believe that you fly off the handle or overreact to things that aren't really that bad.

It can take years to figure out what is happening, if you are a victim of this type of abuse, and if you finally leave him,  you may experience intense periods of delayed rage as you realize just how abusive  and destructive he was.

** This information is an adaptation from

Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?"

Sometimes The Loudest Screams Are The Ones That Are Silent

Abuse Is Not Romantic!

Abusers tend to blame their abusive behavior on "love." When I was a victim, I remember people telling me that I was "lucky to have someone who loved me so much." Granted, the people saying this did not know the whole entire story, but as a victim this message is confusing and damaging.  Abuse is NOT Romantic. It is NOT love. It is abuse. It hurts. It destroys lives. This is why I am launching the "ABUSE IS NOT ROMANTIC!" campaign. Read what some other victims have to say and  check out the "You Call This Love" Box in the sidebar to see more. Add your own examples in the comment section, or email me (lifeafterdatingapsycho@gmail.com) send me a message on facebook or twitter to have your examples written out like the ones below.

Add your own examples by posting a comment below or email them to lifeafterdatingapsycho@gmail.com to see them added to this list. Check out the "You Call This Love" Box in the sidebar to see more. 

Unnamed Woman

My mother cut out clippings from the newspaper with a pair of silver scissors,
gliding them along the marble countertop with a swoosh as I cut my French toast
into trapezoids with my fork. I never drank my orange juice. It left a bad
taste in my mouth when I brushed my teeth and besides, orange juice
did not belong to me anymore. It belonged on the list, 'no longer innocent,'
and I hardly paid attention to the articles in the newspaper anyway but there
was still no convincing him of that. There was no convincing him
of most things that I tried and there was no way I knew of to drown
out the tone of his voice over my mother’s cheerful ring. There’s a nice
picture of you. [Ugly! Stupid! Fake!] My mother said. A nice picture
of a girl that looked like me, running with one hand in the air and a white
soccer ball in the net behind her. Blurry. The article below it takes up
half a page and continues on C5 but I flip to C6 by mistake and I read
about an unnamed woman who was r       d two nights ago in her own house
by a man she (thought she) knew. And if you hold up the page, staring now
at C5 and looking at the letters of my name in the light from the kitchen window,
you’ll find the articles run together. The same black ink on the same dull
white paper and that’s as far as I’ll ever get to reading the article today.

Years later, I will flip through one of the three ring binders my grandmother
used to press each clipping into and I will notice the article I never read
and I will sit on my bedroom floor in my new house in my new city in my
new life and it would read like a fairy tale I wish could have been real.
'Did I really do all that?' I’ll ask my mom when she walks past my room and she
will pause in the doorway and take a minute to put it all together and she will
say 'yes. Yes you did. Yes.' And I will try to believe her only because my name
is written in the ink and the picture of the girl looks something like me
and I will wonder if the man was ever caught or put in jail or if he even stepped
foot into a courthouse but I will wait until my mother walks away before
slipping the paper from its plastic covering. I can feel the stabbing in my lower
back, see the world from in between a pair of fingers on my face and I wish I knew
what happened to that woman because it never says, if she survived or if she
walked around in another person’s body all these years. If she woke up
sweating at two am, if she forgot her favorite song or how to speak
out loud or how to look in to a mirror and I wish I knew what it felt like
to be the girl that was smiling, and not the one unnamed.

© A. Leigh

I Thought You Said Villains Were Those Strangers Dressed Up In Dark Clothes?

When I was fourteen, I knew what the bad guys looked like. They were the ones in dark clothing, hanging outside gas stations at night or waiting in the woods behind my house for me to go for a run by myself. They had tattoos. They held a cigarette between yellow, rotting teeth. And every once in a while, they cleaned themselves up, put on nice clothes, and pretended to be an overly-friendly stranger that tried to tempt kids like me with candy or ice cream or a ride in their windowless van.

I knew what they looked like because I paid attention during my sixth grade safety assembly. I watched as the characters, similar to the one described above, performed a skit in the middle of a circle of desks in my classroom. I watched as the bad guys tried to capture an adult woman dressed as a little girl and convince her to do drugs. I watched her save herself by running back to her friends.

And I believed what I was told because it was the same version of the world I saw just about everywhere else. The classic villain, drawn with harsh accent and dark colors, and named things like Scar, Professor Snape, Cruela Du Vill; names that literally identified a character as evil. They were obvious, even to a four year old, no matter how clever their disguise. They were scary, and strong, and sneaky.....but I was prepared for them.  

  

What I was not prepared for was the transfiguration of the wonderfully loving, yet slightly wounded character that the audience immediately attached to. People warned me about walking in dark allies (a place rare in my suburban neighborhood.) My mother made me carry a cell phone when I went running in the middle of the day. My high school put locks on the door so that "bad people" could not get in. I followed the buddy system when I was hanging out with friends. And I never talked to strangers. 

But no one told me that the people that would pressure me to do things I knew I "wasn't supposed to do," would be the same people that sat next to me in the safety assembly and signed their names on the petition right next to mine: the people who were supposed to be on my side. And no one ever warned me that the bad guy would be dressed up as my best friend, my boyfriend, instead of in a long black trench coat. That he would have the same eyes as the boy that loved me. That he would answer all of my wildest dreams before slowly and meticulously tearing them down. That Prince Charming might turn into the villain and try to kill me. 

No one warned me about being in my own house, or explained to me that I had a greater chance of being hurt in my messy little bedroom, by my boyfriend, than I did of running into a bad guy stranger in the woods behind my house. 

What I have realized recently is that one of the reasons the abuse that I experienced was so damaging to my life was that I was completely blindsided by it. I literally had no understanding or even hint of an idea that something like this was possible. There were no words I had to describe what I was going through. Nothing I did to try to solve things made anything better. Nothing I did to try to protect myself kept me safe. And the only thing I really felt was that somehow, everything was my fault. 

After talking to other victims, I understand that I was not alone in my experience. One of the hardest lessons I have learned is that abusers aren't always strangers. They come in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes, in fact many times, they are a person you know and love. The difficult part is separating the image or title of the person—attractive, loving, boyfriend—from the behavior—hitting, belittling, harassment, etc.; and understanding that "staying safe" is less about identifying only certain people and situations as dangerous and more about recognizing that no matter who the person is in relation to you, or what the situation may be that a behavior is associated with, abuse is abuse.

Cut Out My Heart

I cut out my heart,
leave it on the shelf beside my dresser,
next to a box of necklaces and
a tipped over frame.
I don’t feel like bringing it tonight.

I cut out my heart,
leave it behind and
replace the emptiness
with a painted smile
and pretend I can’t hear it crying-
Calling all night in the breaks
between the laughter,
the moments
when words fall away
and silence seeps in
and I feel the empty hole
in the left side of my chest
and I think about
trying to forget about
missing you.

I cut out my heart,
leave it behind where no one can notice,
where no one can touch it,
where it can’t feel arms wrapped around me
or smell the hint of Old Spice against my skin.
And it can’t see
the way I look into his eyes
pretending that it’s still there, inside.
pretending that I can give it away,
pretending that it already belongs to someone else.

And at night when I go home,
and wash away my smile,
and sit in the silence of my crowded room
staring at the plastic stars stuck on to my ceiling,
It sits waiting at the foot of my bed
like an abandoned puppy
following me around with its tale between its legs
Whimpering
Until I make it leave the room
And lock my door behind it,
pulling the covers over my head
Pretending I can’t hear it scratching at the door and
pressing its nose under the crack
waiting for someone to notice.

I cut out my heart
pretend somehow that it hurts less
to have an empty space
rather than a million shattered pieces,
pretend somehow that it is easier
to feel nothing at all
rather than risking too much
again.

January, 2005.

What About The Person I Used To Be? Do I Ever Get Her Back?

One of the saddest things about abuse is that even after you get out of the abusive situation, or away from your abuser--if you are lucky enough to do so-- life doesn't just go back to the way it was beforehand. It's not like waiting out a thunderstorm so that you can play outside again...even when the clouds move on and the sun shines, life doesn't continue the way it did before the storm. Instead, surviving abuse is like getting through a storm, only to find that the dark clouds move from the sky around you, to form a squall within your own head. 

For me, through the worst parts of the abuse, I simply prayed to stay alive. I prayed to live through the day, through the night, through another week until I could make it to the day when I got my life back. I was one of the fortunate ones. I did get out. I got away from my abuser. And I got back to my life, only to find that when I did, I was no longer in it. 

The person I had been before; the happy kid, the carefree and wild and innocent girl who wore bright orange spandex to field hockey practice the first day the temperature dropped below 30 degrees and pretended to fall flat on her face while walking in the middle of a crowded mall because her best friend bet she wouldn't; the girl with that huge, ridiculous smile on her face that radiated from her fingers to her toes.....she was gone. Looking back, I watch the process: the slow stripping of confidence, the way my abuser etched away at the strong personality I was unaware anyone could touch, piece by piece, combined with my own desperate attempt to rid my body of any semblance of feeling, all burying me as far away as possible and leaving nothing more than an empty shell to take my place. 

I'm not sure, really, where the weight of the destruction lies for each individual victim. For me it was shame. Shame; that shut me up, that kept me smiling just the way I had always smiled, and forbid me from ever trusting myself again. The type of shame that clouded me from seeing anything beyond the distorted view of what had happened. The type of shame that never let things be anyone else's fault other than mine. The type of shame that made me hate the sound of my own voice, the glimpse of my own reflection, and made the thought of letting the girl I was close enough to see the girl I had become, unbearable.

It took me years to realize that the shame I felt, was given to me-- wrapped nicely in a pretty package that looked a lot like love, and even after I broke myself from my abuser's hold, I still held the shame he left behind and thought it was my own. 

So....how do we get our lives back? How do we find our way back to the person we were before the abuse and merge the pieces of ourselves together? I've spent most of the past few years since becoming a victim, convinced that I am serving a life sentence while my abuser walks free; wishing for some outline of steps to follow to get back to the person I lost and to figure out who I am now, but willing to settle for knowing that any of this is even possible; all of which leaves me wanting to scream out to someone, anyone: Am I even heading in the right direction? Will I ever get to the end of all of this....will I ever be ok again???!?!

And then, ever so slowly, it begins to come back; tiny flecks of me that force their way through the numbness and the fear.  For me, this process started by chipping away at the shame the same way my abuser chipped away at me. Piece by piece. So slowly that I'm sometimes not aware that I am making any change, but as I look back I can see how far I have come. I don't have to be the abuse. I am not the crazy jealous rage. I am not the assault. I am not a lie.

And I realize, that although I prayed for my innocence and naivety back, I now have a deeper awareness in my own ability to make an educated decision based on what I want; although I wished to disappear from it all, I now see the strength I earn from fighting through; although I swore that no one would ever understand, I now have a better understanding for other victims; although I cursed the years I lost because of abuse, I now appreciate every moment of my life I have; although I wanted to hate a world with so much pain, I am surprised by how much love surrounds me.

I am more than what someone tried to make me. I am more than just a girl left alone on her floor. I am more than an empty shell, a sleepless night, a silenced voice. I am more than what has happened to me. 

Never Let The Hand You Hold Hold You Down

The Hidden Power That Can Be Found After Trauma

I've been thinking today, about the hidden power that can be found after going through a traumatic experience. As crippling and devastating as the abuse I experience was--I survived. There's something very powerful when I recognize this. The fact that I am alive. That each day I take another step toward recovery. That I am still standing. I am still speaking. I am still fighting.

And when I think about it, I realize that if I can survive something so severe, what do I have to be afraid of now? Granted, the little girl inside of me is scared a lot. Scared of meeting new people. Scared of trying new things. Scared of starting a relationship and trusting someone else that might only lead to more pain and suffering. Scared of everything, it seems sometimes. But I remind her, she has survived worse. And if she can survive what she did, then everything else seems trivial in comparison. Why be afraid? 

So today I'm choosing to find a way to hold on to that power. I picked myself up off the floor. I got myself out of an abusive relationship. I lived through the night while my psycho ex was camped outside my bedroom. Years of stalking and harassment. I survived. If I can do that, then I can definitely survive a "normal" heartbreak. I can survive a bad day. Walking a runway in front of a thousand people. Meeting someone new for dinner. Speaking to a classroom full of people. Just about...anything. 

Forgiveness

Should I Break Up With Him?

"Sometimes things are bad, but are they really bad enough that I should break up with him? Maybe things will get better. Or maybe if I break up with him, then I will regret it and he will never take me back. I don't know why I feel sad all the time, but I wish that things would just be fun again. I don't know what to do."

Every relationship has ups and downs, but it can be hard sometimes to figure out whether or not you should break up with your boyfriend or girlfriend. Breaking up is hard. Think about how many songs people have written about a broken heart? Relationships become routine; it's hard to imagine life without talking to your boyfriend every day. The love you feel can be strong; but sometimes the people who we love let us down. Most of the time things are not black and white. There's no clear answer as to what we should do; or we know deep down what the answer is, but it's not one we are ready to see yet or to accept.

---

Reasons To Break Up:

•Your boyfriend hits you or hurts you physically in any way.

•Your boyfriend makes you feel stupid, fat, ugly or unworthy of anything

•He has cheated on you.

•He lies to you.

•You don't love him anymore.

•You love him, but he hurts you.

•He makes you feel like you are crazy.

•He threatens to hurt you.

•He controls who you hang out with, what you wear, or what you are allowed to do.

•He has a violent temper and can blow at any moment.

•He makes fun of you in front of other people, embarrasses you or talks badly about you behind your back.

•He forces you, or pressures you to have sex with him or to do things you don't want to do.

•He is never there when you need him.

•You can't talk to him about how you are feeling of what you are thinking.

•He calls you a bitch, or a slut, or a whore, or any other derogatory name.

•He doesn't have the same morals and values as you do.

•He doesn't have the same interests.

•You don't have fun with him anymore.

•You want to try dating other people.

•It's just not right for you.

•He's a great guy, but you just don't feel a connection anymore.

•You don't have feelings for him anymore, or your feelings have changed.

---

Are You Staying With Him Because:

• He makes you feel confident, empowered and appreciated........OR BECAUSE.......you feel like you don't deserve to want someone better than him.

• You love and trust him, and he feels the same way about you........OR BECAUSE.......You are afraid that if you break up with him he will start dating someone else just to make you jealous.

• He protects you and is always there for you if you need anything........OR BECAUSE.......You are afraid of what he might do to you if you leave him.

• Can talk to him about anything and you know he will listen........OR BECAUSE.......You don't have any idea how to tell him that you don't want to be with him anymore and you are scared to try.

• You can't imagine being with anyone else........OR BECAUSE.......You are afraid that no one will ever love you as much as he loves you.

• He lets you have your own life and lots of friends, independent of him........OR BECAUSE.......He's the only person you have, and you are afraid that without him you will be all alone.

•He inspires you to be a better person and to trust yourself to chase after your dreams........OR BECAUSE.......Everyone in his life lets him down, and you feel bad adding yourself to that list.

• Things aren't perfect, but you feel safe and valued even when you disagree........OR BECAUSE.......You feel obligated to stay with him, and you are just trying to wait out this bad time until things are better again.

•You have fun with him. He makes you laugh and feel happy........OR BECAUSE.......If you break up with him he will punish you. He might kill you, or try to kill himself.

---

Remember:

•You have a right to end a relationship at any time, for any reason. I had a friend who broke up with a boy because he didn't like Taylor Swift! For her, that was a deal breaker. It's hard to tell someone that you don't want to date them anymore, but if it's not working for you then don't stay just because you don't know how to leave.

•If someone hurts you, don't make excuses for them. It's really, really heard to be let down by the person you love, and sometimes it seems easier to ignore the pain or to brush it off. Admitting that someone has hurt you does not make you weak, it makes you strong enough to acknowledge it; and staying with someone who hurts you is not brave and it can put your life in danger.

•There are many different forms of abuse. Even if your boyfriend doesn't hit you, an abuser can still do serious mental and emotional damage to you if you stay with him.

•The right person for you is out there somewhere, and you won't have to hold your breath when you are with him, or try to be better so that he doesn't hurt you, or try to fix what is wrong with him....he will love you just the way you are are he will build you up instead of tear you down. Hold out for him.

•If things were meant to work out, breaking up won't stop that. People break up all the time and get back together....so if you are not ready to break up for good, just give yourself a few weeks to get some distance from the relationship and see how you feel....then decide what you want to do. Someone who really loves you in a healthy way will give you time and space when you need it. They won't force you to stay with them, or punish you for needing to figure things out.

•You are a beautiful, brave, smart and amazing person! The person you end up with is LUCKY to be dating someone as amazing as you. Even if it feels like you have no other options, there are lots of other people out there and lots of people that will love you just the way you are.

Love

The things he says
as etching in my skin the fingers circling
my arms around the wrist
they sink somehow, without me hearing
anything else. I have forgotten
this girl, lying on this bed, was at one point
me. I have forgotten that I know
her at all, that there is a world
outside this room, that speaking
is to be heard. And I bleed. Silently. Into
the sheets. but I know this only after
seeing the dark spots left on the bright
cloth in the morning when I am alone and I fold
them under and over themselves ripping
the corners free until they wrap
into a ball I run through three cycles before
my mom can find the evidence. None of this
ever happened.
Love, he says, is a compromise. It is a force
he cannot fight any longer. Love is my
fault. It is the reason. His excuse
to climb across. Love is what he does
to me. Is what he’s doing to me. Is what he says
this is. But love, love is nowhere
in this room.

Dear Psycho,

I just wanted to let you know:

You swore no one would ever love me like you did-
I 'll make sure they never do.

You told me I could not survive on my own,
but I thank God I survived my life with you.

You told me I was weak,
but you only made me stronger in the end.

You told me I was stupid,
but I'm smarter than I've ever been.

You covered my mouth,
stole away the sound,

but I have found a way back to my voice-
to speak again out loud.

You killed every part of me you could,
left nothing but an empty shell.

But I brought myself back to life again,
I clawed my own way out from the depths of your hell:

I picked myself up off the floor,
I succeeded even with a broken heart,

I lived through the darkest moment of the night
Rebuilt my life each time it fell apart.

I swore I'd never love again,
but thankfully I do:

I love my life, I love myself,
I love someone that loves me too.

So, you might have held me down
but you will never hold me down.

And you might have thought you won,
but you only won that round.

Types of Abusers: "Mr. (Always) Right"

                                The 'Mr. Right' abuser:

• Considers himself to be the ultimate authority on everything.
• Always speaks with absolute certainty
• Brushes your thoughts or opinions aside, finding little to no value in what you have to say
• Sees things as if he is the teacher and you are the student. His goal is to empty your mind and to fill it with his brilliance. 
• Is often condescending when talking with you

When dating a Mr. Right, you feel stupid and like you can't say anything right. You wish you could explain what you are thinking, but nothing ever comes out right when you try to explain it to him. You  feel confused, unsure of what to think, or unable to make a decision. You feel like he twists around everything that you say, takes it completely out of context, or makes it sound absurd. You feel like you are never really heard, and never taken seriously. 

• Takes on the Voice of Truth as a way of controlling conversations, something abuse counselors call 'defining reality,'  making what he has to say sound like the only correct answer or outlook.
• Makes partner doubt their own mental abilities, opinions or intuitions, leaving them feeling like they are dumb or stupid. This way, he can control you better. 
• Takes on the position of the expert even in regards to your life, how you should live it, and what you should do or believe. This includes who you should be friends with, what you should wear, how you should spend your time, how long you should spend studying, what kind of relationship to have with your parents...etc. 
• Is especially knowledgeable of your faults  and is constantly telling you what you are doing wrong or what you need to do in order to 'be a better person/girlfriend,' as if tearing you down is the only way to make you better. 
• May humiliate you--especially in front of other people--in oder to establish his dominance, intellectual superiority, and to prove that what you think or the way that you are, is flawed and wrong. 

When you refuse to give in to Mr. Right's opinions or suggestions, he is quick to resort to insults, name calling, or imitating you as way of mocking what you think or believe. His actions will escalate until he feels that he has brought you down as low as possible. For example, he might ruin dinner plans you have prepared, leave a party without you, spread nasty rumors about you to other people or talk badly about you behind your back. He might abuse you sexually, even when you tell him NO, because he believes that you really want to have sex and he can't take you seriously. He might convince you that he has talked to all of your friends, and that no one really likes you and they all think that you are stupid but that they talk to you only because they feel bad for you. He may even escalate to the point of throwing things, pushing or hitting you, or threatening you.

* This information is an adaptation from 

Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?" 

Types of Abusers: "The Demand Man"

The 'Demand Man' abuser:

• is highly entitled
• expects his partner's life to revolve around the practice of meeting his needs. 
• can get angry if his demands are not met, and will blame partner/other people if anything gets in the way of his needs.
• becomes enraged if he isn't catered to or if he is inconvenienced in any way (even if minor)

As his girlfriend, you feel like you can't do anything right; nothing you do is good enough; and that it is impossible to make him happy. You feel like you are constantly being criticized and that you always 'should have done things better.'

Specific characteristics of this type of abuser include:

1. Little sense of give and take: The balance between what he wants from you and what he gives back is completely skewed. His demands, from everything to sexual attention to emotional support, far surpass his supply of these behavior. For example: he expects you to drop everything when he is upset about something, but whenever you are upset, he is too busy to talk to you, or makes fun of you for being dramatic;  he expects you do do his homework, cook for him or clean up after him, but gets mad if you ask him to help you with something small; he expects you to preform sexual acts on him whenever he wants, but never pays attention to your needs. 
2. Exaggerates or overvalues his own contributions. Although he is constantly taking, and rarely giving, he makes it seem as if it is the other way around; he keeps track of every nice things he does for you (even those that are generally expected in a healthy relationship) and he makes you feel like you are the one that is in debt to him. For example: he buys you a gift for your birthday, and seven months later, he is still talking about how much he spent on it and uses it to prove how lucky you are to have him; he constantly talks about how much he gives up for you and sacrifices for you, and yet you are the one who has no friends anymore, while he goes out all the time. 
3. He punishes you when he doesn't get what he thinks he deserves. If you don't do something he thinks you should have, he will punish you for letting him down in any number of ways. For example: He's upset and wants you to come over, but you have a soccer game and can't skip it. You come over after the game and he refuses to talk to you, telling you that he can never count on you and that you always abandon him. 
4. He is nice only when he feels like it. The times that is is generous,  sweet to you, or supportive, it is because he is proving to you or to others how wonderful he is, and how loving. His behavior is not about you, it is about him. For example: He screams at you and shoves you against a wall for talking to one of your male friends. Later, he buys you flowers, makes you your favorite dinner, or fawns over how wonderful you are when you are in front of your parents. 
5. He gets angry if your needs conflict with his needs.  He is a master at playing the role of the victim. He accusses you of being 'self-centered' or 'only caring about yourself.' He plays up this reversal of reality in front of other people, working hard to make sure other people know how selfish and ungrateful you are, or how much you are hurting him despite all that he does for you. For example: He wants to have sex, but you want to wait. At school, he sulks, telling other people that you don't love him as much as he loves you, and confiding in one of your girl friends who he claims said she wishes that she had a boyfriend like him who treated her well and loved her so much.

** This information is an adaptation from 

Lundy Bancroft's 'Why Does He Do That?"

Eleven Signs Of A Healthy Relationship

In honor of Valentine's Day, let's celebrate healthy love!!!

1. You feel good about yourself.
2. You can act silly and goofy and make mistakes without feeling shameful. You know that your boyfriend or girlfriend will love you and your imperfections. 
3. You don't bite your tongue--you feel comfortable saying what you want and feel, and there is open communication between you and your boyfriend.
4. You still have independence, you can do things on your own or with friends and don't have to worry about it. 
5. You don't feel feel like you are pretending, or that you should be someone other than who you are.
6. You have a healthy sexual relationship, both of you make decisions and feel good about your decisions. You can talk openly about what you want and what you don't want and you feel like your voice is respected and listened to.
7. You have room to grow, you don't feel stifled or stuck or suffocated. 
8. You laugh with the person and have fun together. You never feel afraid of your partner. 
9. You trust each other, and you are honest with each other. 
10. You feel heard, understood, and accepted. 
11. You feel happy.

You Don't Have To Have Sex!...despite what Cosmo will tell you

"Get Naked!"  

Glance at the cover of Cosmopolitan Magazine this month and this is the message you get. 

"The Sex Quiz You MUST Take!" "The Erotic Touch That Will Practically Melt His Boxer Briefs" 

Log on to their website and you can learn about "The 20 Shoes That Turn Him On," "The 10 Hottest Texts To Send You Guy," and "Naughty Ways To Be A Tiger In The Bedroom." 

It's not just Cosmo. Most magazines promote sex, sexy behavior or how to please your man. Characters in television shows and on reality TV are constantly having sex. Shows like '16 & Pregnant' have made teenage moms into celebrities. On 'The Jersey Shore,' "smushing" is the goal of most of the boys, and at one point, Sammi tells the camera (of her and Ronnie) "Of course we had sex, that's what you do when you like someone!"

Educating the public about sex is great, and if you decide to have sex, it is your decision and nothing to be ashamed of or feel bad about, however, sometimes as a teenager it can seem like everyone and everything around you is telling you that you are supposed to have sex. This overload of messages is confusing. It you don't feel like you are ready to have sex, or if you want to wait, then it feels like there is something wrong with you. 

This post is just to remind you that if you want to wait, you can wait. YOU DON'T HAVE TO HAVE SEX. Even if your boyfriend puts pressure on you, or your friends tell you that you should, or every magazine you pick up tells you that you should.....if you don't feel ready, you don't have to do it. 

If your boyfriend tells you he will break up with you if you don't have sex with him, he's not a good boyfriend and he's not looking out for you or caring about your feelings. If you have had sex before...even if you've done it 1,000,11 times before...but you aren't in the mood to do it one day, or don't want to do it anymore, you don't have to! You get to decide every single time, and as much pressure as it feels like there sometime is, you can say no. 

So, just to reiterate--and compete with the hundreds of messages you get every day telling you the opposite-- 

You don't have to have sex; not to have a strong relationship, not to make someone like you, not to fit in, not to be cool, not to prove that you love someone, not to get someone to stay, not to make someone feel better, not because someone buys you dinner, not because someone gives you a gift, not because you already have, not to make someone happy, not because someone had a bad day, not because all your friends are doing it, not because everyone on tv is doing it, not to be sexy, not to make boys want you, not to make sure you are not a tease, not to prove anything at all. If it doesn't feel right, and you don't want to do it, YOU DON'T HAVE TO!

One Hundred and Eleven Ways To Say No To Sex

1. No thanks. 
2. Not tonight, how about in ten years?
3. If you really loved me you would wait.
4. Let's just kiss instead.
5. If you really loved me you would stop asking.
6. How about we watch a movie instead.
7. We might get caught.
8. I don't want to be just another one of your girls.
9. Ummmm....nope!
10. My parents trust me and I don't want to break their trust.
11. Haven't you ever watched 16 and Pregnant? I don't want to end up like that.

Eleven Reasons Why Being Single Is Great

1. You have freedom! Freedom to do what you want to do without asking for someone else's opinion and without having to think about what someone else wants to do, or wants you to do.
2. You can save the money you would spend on your boyfriend and buy yourself something nice. 
3. You have more time to hang out with your friends, have girl's night out, act crazy and silly and have fun without having to leave the room to talk to your boyfriend or being stressed about relationship troubles. 
4. You don't have to shave your legs if you don't want to.
5. You have more time to play sports, take up a musical instrument, try a new hobby, study a little more, go camping, volunteer at an animal shelter, read a book, go to a concert, dance, sing, run, laugh, do yoga, cuddle with your little sister, play video games, look at magazines, bake cookies, paint a picture, or do anything else you never get a chance to do. 
6. You can figure out what you like, not try to like things that your boyfriend likes.
7. You can date other people. Or you can just be friends with other boys without your boyfriend getting jealous. Or you can just stare at other boys or flirt with them without feeling guilty. 
8. You get to think about what you want, without taking someone else into consideration. You get to pick what restaurant you want to eat at, how long you want to stay at a party, when you want to go to sleep or what you want to do all weekend. 
9. You will be available when Mr. Right comes along, and by that time you will appreciate him. 
10. You get to figure out who you are as an individual, not as part of a couple.  
11. You don't have to worry about making someone else happy. No drama. No checking in with someone all the time. No feeling guilty. You get to focus on making yourself happy. :)

Things To Remember To Help You Through A Breakup

What's the only thing worse than dating someone who doesn't treat you well?

          Being all alone......Right?

When you're dating someone that doesn't treat you right, or that hurts you, you know deep down that you should leave them. You get that uncomfortable feeling in your gut. That little voice that says you need to get out. 

I used to spend a lot of time ignoring that voice and burying that uneasy feeling with a mighty dose of "everything is fine!" I wanted to believe Dave when he said that he could change and that everything would go back to being great again. I wanted to believe him when he said he would never hurt me again. After all, aren't we supposed to give people second chances? Aren't we supposed to sacrifice a little and compromise a little and aren't we supposed to forgive?? 

When I think about it, even when things got better and Dave seemed like he was back to being the loving version of my boyfriend, I would tell myself that I was so happy and so lucky and that everything was perfect again.....but I always felt the tension in my gut. I couldn't get rid of that discomfort no matter what I tried. And I couldn't get that little voice to shut up that kept telling me something was not right. 

Trust Your Gut And Listen To Your Voice! When I tried, finally, to listen to myself and to be honest with myself, the thought of breaking up with Dave seemed like the most impossible, most terrifying thing I could imagine. Because if I wasn't dating Dave, then I was going to be--don don don--alone. I realized that putting myself first was more important than staying in a bad situation. As scary as it was to think about, I could handle being on my own. I did it before meeting Dave, and I survived things that were a lot worse while dating him, so I had to trust myself to get through the sadness of breaking up in order to get my life back and hold strong to what I knew I deserved. 

Breaking up with someone is hard. There's no shortcut you can take. Even after you realize that it is not healthy for you to stay or that it's not working for you and you deserve better, it is still hard to leave. 

Relationships become comfortable. You form habits around phone calls and dates and hanging out. You have invested a lot of energy in trying to open yourself up to let someone in. The thought of breaking up leads to all sorts of questions. Who am I going to talk to now? Who am I going to hang out with on the weekends? Who will call me to say goodnight before going to bed? Who's going to write me notes and walk with me in between classes and sit with me at lunch? What if I am making a mistake? What if I regret it and he doesn't take me back? What if he's my soul mate and I am throwing it away and what if no one ever loves me again??

Here's some things that helped me when I was going through a breakup, that are important to remember:

Hold Out For The Guy That Loves You In A Healthy Way. The guy that loves you just the way you are. That thinks you are pretty without makeup or your hair straightened or fancy clothes. That is proud of your accomplishments instead of threatened by them. That listens to you if you are scared or unsure and doesn't make you feel stupid for having an opinion. That loves the fact that you have other friends. that is honest and open and communicates. That makes you feel safe. He's out there, and you can't find him if you are stuck with Mr. Wrong. 

Happiness Comes From Within. Being in love, and having someone love you, can make you feel happy. So happy at times that it is tempting to give credit to the other person for making you feel happy instead of realizing that you are responsible for your own happiness. When we think that our happiness depends on someone else, it keeps us dependent on someone else for fear that we will never be happy without them. How great would it be if you could feel happy all on your own? You can! You won't feel happy right away--breakups can be devastating--but trust yourself and know that you have the power to make yourself happy. Your current boyfriend is not the only one that can make you feel happy. 

There Are Other Fish In The Sea. I hate this saying. It used to make me feel nauseous every time someone said it to me. I thought it was the stupidest analogy ever. So, here's a different one for you. Your boyfriend is not the last chocolate croissant on the shelf. Yes, that's right. Think about it. Think about the feeling you get when are standing in line at a bakery or deli and there are five people in front of you and only one chocolate croissant left behind the glass of the display. You know that anxious, frantic feeling that runs through your whole body because you are afraid someone else might buy it before you do? You think that that chocolate croissant is the only thing that can make you happy or that will taste good. That's what's it's like to break up with someone. If there were a hundred other chocolate croissants lining the shelves, we wouldn't think twice about one in particular. Maybe another tray is in the oven about to be served. Or maybe if we tried the banana bread, we would find that we liked it even more than the croissant. So screw the fish and remember, there are other pastries in the bakery.

Continuing with this ridiculous (but helpful) bakery analogy.... remember that If You Are Allergic To Gluten, The Cupcakes Will Always Make You Sick, Just Like If You Continue To Date Someone That Abuses You, You Will Continue To Get Hurt. Think about how delicious cupcakes look when they first come out of the oven. The smell making your mouth water. The icing melting down the sides. It looks like a little piece of heaven, all wrapped up in a colorful paper thin cup, moist and warm and chocolaty. As in an abusive relationships, the cupcake we want so badly looks perfect and oh so tempting. But what we can't see, is that if we are allergic to one of the main ingredients in the cupcake, it is going to make us sick. It is filled with poison. It will hurt us. Usually, we don't know we are allergic to something until we try it, just as we usually don't know someone is abusive until after we've been dating them for a while. Even though we know it's bad for us, a cupcake might still look so tempting that we it will try to make us believe it will be different this time; we want to believe that things can change, but we know that as good as it might taste at first, it will make us sick. Abusers have the poisonous ingredient inside of them. No matter how innocent or beautiful or harmless or tempting they look, the only way to make sure we aren't poisoned again is to leave. Find a gluten free cupcake. Have some ice cream.  Or give up sweets for a while. 

Nothing Lasts Forever. (Enough of the food analogies, I'm making myself hungry.) No matter how bad things are, they can get better. No matter how helpless or hopeless a situation looks, there is a way out. No matter how painful or devastating it is to lose someone you love, you will survive. You will love again. No matter how many millions of billions of pieces your heart shatters into, it will put itself back together even stronger than it was before. You will be happy again. You will love again. There are endless adventures and opportunities waiting for you! Think of life as a giant wheel. When you are at the very bottom of the wheel, do you stay there? No. You start moving upwards. Keep remembering that what you are going through is temporary, not permanent, and better things are on their way.

There Are Over 6,898,948,616 People In The World. Next time you feel alone or worry that you have no friends, remember these numbers. Statistically, at least one of these people would want to be your friend, but chances are, there are millions and millions and millions of people who would think you are pretty freaking cool if they got to know you. Heck, I think you are cool just for reading all of my ramblings, so there's one friend automatically added to your list. Abusers will make you feel isolated from the rest of the world. I have been there too, and I spent night after night thinking that no one would ever understand. I pictured myself inside a bubble. No one else was in my bubble, it was just me, and it was a sad and a lonely place. I felt like there was no way out and no way for other people to break in. The hardest part about breaking the bubble was the battle in my own head. As long as I saw it as being impossible to break out of: it was. But when I realized that it wasn't as thick as I imagined it to be, the actual action of reaching out to others, or letting others help me, was much less scary than the thought of it. No matter how lonely you might be. You are not alone. You are not alone. You are not alone.

Eleven Examples of Abusive Behavior

Your partner:

1. Hits you, punches you, pushes you, kicks you, bites you, slaps you, scratches you, or does any other action that inflicts pain onto you.
2. Threatens to do any of these things.
3. Says that he/she will kill themselves if you leave.
4. Tells you that if they can't be with you, then no one can. 
5. Makes you feel stupid in front of other people.
6. Calls you things like "slut, whore, bitch, stupid, fat, tramp,  ugly, dumb, etc...."
7. Has to know where you are at all times, who you are with and what you are doing.
8. Calls you over and over and over and over and over and over until you answer.
9. Lies to you like it's nothing.
10. Threatens to hurt your family or friends.
11. Encourages you not to have any other friends. 

But I Love Him

Love. What a confusing word. To a victim of abuse, this word is tarnished, burned as it is used for so many contrasting emotions. At one point, love was wonderful. Love was a connection between two people. It was something you searched for and longed for, something that grew inside you. Something warm and comfortable and exciting. In the beginning of my first relationship,  love was everything I imagined it would be, and more. Love was having someone to cuddle with. Love was finding notes in my locker and getting sweet text messages and having someone tell me that I was beautiful and that I was amazing. Love made me feel alive. It made me smile when I woke up in the morning and smile throughout the day and smile when I got back in bed at night, thinking about love. 

Then, slowly, love became Dave's excuse. Love was the cause for jealousy. Love made him scared he would lose me, love made him cling and pry. Love was his reason for everything he did. "This is all because I love you so much....I don't mean to hurt you, I just love you so much it makes me feel like I am going crazy...People only find love like ours once in a lifetime, I can't let you throw it away." Love was the excuse for the dirty words. It was the reason he climbed on top of me, held me down. It was what made him follow me, what made him call 50 times in a row. Love was the force behind his fingers as they gripped my arm. It was the pain I felt as he pushed me up against a wall. "Love" was what was responsible for what was hurting me. 

The first definition of love was so strongly engrained in me, that by the time the second definition of love came about, I could only see it through the lens of the first. When people ask a victim why they stay with someone who hurts them, it comes back to this progression. If the second definition of love was presented to us first, we could see it independently and identify the flawed language: this is not love, it is abuse. But abusive relationships do not start out abusive. The power of the abuse comes from the abusers position of gaining trust and establishing a loving relationship. 

Because of this, love becomes a prison. Love is the reason why we stay. It is the reason why we excuse the abuse and why we don't recognize it. But I love him. I said it so many times when I was stuck in the cycle. I love him. And I did. As a victim, this is the one of the most important realizations you can make. The love you feel is real and it is strong and at times it feels downright crippling. I didn't fall in love with a horrible monster...I fell in love with a loving, caring, seemingly innocent boy who was my best friend. I wasn't in love with with the boy that hurt me; I was trying to find my way back to the person he used to be. 

If the person you are in love with makes you feel afraid or badly about yourself, start to break down the relationship in your mind. Take it apart, piece by piece. Write it out if you can so that you can see it in front of you.

Without thinking about your boyfriend or girlfriend, think about love in general. 

What does love look like?

What does love feel like?

Does love make people feel good or bad?

Does love make people feel safe or scared?

Does love make people feel better about themselves or worse?

Does love make people smile or cry?

Does love make people feel like they have a voice or should it their voice away?



Think about the people that you love most in your life, like a
younger sibling or a cousin or a best friend. What do you want for them?

Do you want them to have lots of friends or to be alone all the time?

Do you want them do be successful or to fail at everything in their life?

Do you think that they are beautiful? What would you do if they were crying or if they were upset?

Do you want them to have their own opinions about things or do you want them to be quiet all the time and to do whatever anyone tells them to do?

Now think about what you want in a relationship. If you had the power to create a perfect relationship from scratch...what would it look like? What would your perfect partner do or say to you? How would you feel in this relationship?

Think about the relationship you are in right now. Is your definition of love the same as your partners? Does your partner's "LOVE" make you feel the way that other kinds of love make you feel? Do his actions match what he says he feels about you? Are they loving? Do they make you feel the way that you described love made you feel?

These can be a hard questions to answer because you have to look at the present, not the past; and you have to look at the bad times, not just the good. You also have to separate the words from the actions. You have to separate the person and your feelings of love from the way he actually makes you feel. When I ignored how great everything was in the beginning of the relationship and thought about what I was feeling at the present moment, this is what I felt at the time of my relationship with Dave.

As much as I loved him, I realized that our relationship was not a relationship I wanted; our "perfect" relationship, was no longer there. Dave was no longer the person that I fell in love with. I saw the old Dave in snippets, but the way he treated me was not love. I stopped excusing his behavior and took back my definition of what love was to me. 

As you ask yourself these questions, you can start to separate yourself from the abuse. The first step to getting your life back is to be aware of how things really are and to be honest with yourself. What is happening is not your fault. You can't make it better by "being a better girlfriend," or "doing everything perfectly." You are dealing with an abuser. You are being abused, not loved. 

I understand that the love is strong. Losing someone or something we really love is devastating. If the person you fell in love with is no longer the person that you are dating, this is a big loss, and it is sad, and it is not easy, especially because outwardly they still look like the same person. Mourn your loss, but hold on to what you really want in a relationship and don't let the good times blind you to the bad.

My abuser told me over and over that what we had was so special and amazing and that people search for it their whole lives and sometimes never find it. I believed him, and I felt what he said with all my heart. Looking back now, I am so thankful that I was wrong. Abuse is not love. No matter how much an abuser tries to blame the abuse on love. Trust your definition of love and don't settle for a relationship that makes you feel bad about yourself, or afraid, or alone. 

I hated when people told me that there were other boys out there, there are a lot of other fish in the sea. I didn't want any other fish. I wanted things to go back to being good with the fish that I had. I didn't want to let it go. But surprisingly, everyone was right. It was hard, but I stopped loving Dave.  I fell in love again, with other boys. I realized how much I had been missing out on when I was dating Dave, not how much I had given up by leaving him. And I have found a love that is real, and that is stronger and more wonderful than what I had with Dave.