Peace

can i walk away now and leave you there

knowing that I will never know if you were

watching the back of my head as I did not

turn around. Can I stand up, head in the clouds

on some sort of platform labeled success

and keep my eyes from wandering down

to the gutters where I know you lie. Will I

stop wondering if you see me now, stop

smiling just incase you do, stop holding on

to each breath that I take, as if I must measure

it first to make sure I've packed enough life

into each moment now to make up twofold for

each moment that you robbed of me. each bad day

seems somehow worse as it runs through the filter of

the past and I must replay the source of this discomfort

that can never just be a present moment pain.

has it been enough time yet. one day for each

minute. one year for each day. I serve a lifetime sentence just waiting for parole, while you walk

free. and if I try to take any role in retribution,

the only person that I hurt again is me. how many times do i have to decide 

to be bigger than all this, to beat it, to never let you win. 

how many times must I loosen my white knuckles 

and open up my calloused hands and let you go. 

how many times again do I tell the universe 

that I understand that I will never understand and all I ask for 

is peace. peace. that floats like sunlight on the waves of a lake.

that splashes away onto the next wave as I try to snatch

it up. peace that I cannot find in one all-consuming, life

altering decision. It's never ending. One more time. One

more time. One more time. I choose to live.